Using a swordfish to decapitate a meaty-necked prisoner

A girl named Rebecca hooking up with a Saudi named Sizzler

Misplaced your vibrator so you improvise and masturbate with an unopened Twizzler

Eating Trix while admiring the nature of rabbits

A straight guy who through his own volition legally changes his first name to Faggot.

Readers who deem me homophobic, take a breath and do some aerobics

Refuting the theory of evolution by appealing to the US Constitution

Brushing your teeth, your gums bleed, no big deal, you go to sleep and bleed out within an hour

Doing extra embarrassing things whilst secretly being monitored in the shower

Asking to hold your newborn nephew and you drop him down the hospital stairs and judging by the fall his life cannot be rescued

Playing Monopoly with workers in third world countries and as you win they’re still telling you stories about the newly installed suicide nets

Flying in a jet and without warning and for no apparent reason the lone pilot just ejects

Working at a farm and every two weeks you get paid in balls of yarn

A calamitous asteroid deflected by the water cannons of a scientifally engineered Blastoise

Calling a murder an assassination and you wonder if that’s appropriate since the homocide victim was basically nameless.

Toppling the fridge so that it falls over on an annoying little kid

Thinking your recording a mixtape but in the midst of recording the last track you notice the microphone is fake

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